another small romances list

every day can be valentine's day

One of my favourite questions to ask people I’ve just met, for instance at a party or a wedding or whatever, is how they met their partner. It’s the kind of question I used to deploy when my job was to interview famous people who didn’t want to be interviewed. It sits in the same realm as “How is your dog?” or “I like your tattoo, when did you get that?” - questions that many would dismiss as small talk but concern things that people often really care about. For me, at least, they are genuine: I really would like to know about your dog, and I do want to know why you got that tattoo. And, most of all, I want to know how you met your partner.

These little love stories are often well-told because they have become well-worn over the years. The beats are familiar to those telling them, and they are often happy stories: two people met and their lives changed. Chances are, they were different people when they did - younger, obviously, even if it’s only by a few weeks, but also on a different plane of life. Grieving or heartbroken or drunken or working too much. Then, bam, they bump into someone at a party or on a plane or in the supermarket and everything changes.

It’s a good question because it also works if the person doesn’t have a partner. You could ask them how they met the mutual friend who introduced you, for instance. Perhaps there was a playground incident or a nightclub toilet connection or some trauma bonding working for a particularly unpleasant media establishment in 2011. These are little love stories too.

I first wrote the small romances list a couple of years ago. Then I did one last year. And well, I wanted to do another one this year. Valentine’s Day is trash but small romances are forever, and exist equally among lovers, strangers and friends. Do let me know yours in the comments.

• sharing the last biscuit

• the clear-eyed spirit of a 3am pep talk from a stranger in the ladies’ loo of a nightclub. You are too good for him

• compliments, especially if they are careful or clever or citing particular beloved niches (“Your hair looks like something out of Victor/Victoria, how fabulous!”; “It’s giving me Nora Ephron”)

• giving a new life to something somebody no longer wants, whether that’s a vase in a charity shop, a top from Vinted or a person with their heart a little broken

• slightly scruffy fistfuls of flowers, cut from gardens, string around the stems.

• thank you notes

• hearing a song on the radio and being transported back to a time when you were a different version of yourself, just for a moment

• someone knowing exactly how you take your tea

• someone knowing exactly how you take your martini

• in general, the words, “would you like a drink”

• listening

• a message, sent by somebody who knows, saying: “have you seen the moon tonight?”

• someone else making the decisions, especially if you’re normally the one making all the decisions and people mistakenly think it’s because you like it

• voicenotes, especially those from people who’s voice you’ve not heard in a while

• saying: “I’m going to swing by with some food / are you in for a delivery / what if I came and changed the sheets / tidied your office / took the dog for a walk” rather than “let me know if there’s anything I can do” when someone’s having a time of it

• cuttings, divided plants, saved seeds, taken from one garden and offered to another. Hope in a handful

• recognising their handwriting on the envelope

• picking up the bill simply because you want to treat them

• lending beloved paperbacks, fully in the knowledge you won’t see them again

• the quiet, happy familiarity of the objects in an old friend’s house, even if they’ve inhabited several different spaces over the time you’ve known them

• hand-me-downs

• someone checking in for absolutely no reason at all

• knowing exactly what to do to make someone feel better

• not knowing exactly what to do to make someone feel better, but having a good stab at it anyway

• spending time with people who don’t mind that you’re too tired / ill / broken to have much chat

• making space for those in that situation, without expecting anything of them at all

• in-jokes

• impromptu bookmarks falling from the pages that remind you of where you were when you last read it

• selfies from changing rooms, sent in the knowledge that you’ll get the honest opinion you need

• saving the date

• getting the baby to sleep

• them waving you goodbye so persistently that you have to persuade them to go back into the house because you’re probably going to be faffing around for at least six minutes

• not realising that they’d stand there for six minutes, quite happily, because it’s six minutes more of them making the most of you

more small romances